That is the bet …
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Date: Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:26:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: Carlo **** <carlo@****.com>
To: Vu, Lan
Subject: Obese or not obese
Fellow dieters:
Yesterday, in light of the binding agreement we entered into over the weekend, I went to the gym, took off my clothes, …
<pause>
(Note: The pause is so you can visualize my nakedness in your perverted minds. You’re welcome.)
Anyhow, I stripped and weighed myself. Despite our stops for greasy, fried chicken parts at Buffalo Wild Wings, and the decadent, Godzilla portions of dessert at Fentons on the way home from Lake Tahoe, I still–with much relief in my very clogged heart–weighed in at 175 lbs. Invoking the honor system , I encourage you to weigh yourselves as soon as you can and declare your current weights as well. (Don’t worry, I already pictured both of you naked, so that part is, er, covered.)
To duly document this dietary pact, here are the agreed-upon conditions:
Dieters
Carlo, Lan, and Vu
Starting Weights
Carlo = 175 lbs.
Lan = 110 lbs. (To be verified)
Vu = 185 lbs. (To be verified)
The Goal
Each person pledges to lose 7% or more of their current body weight by October 1, 2011 (Due Date). Only the weigh-in on October 1st matters; losing the 7% before the Due Date, only to regain it when Oct. 1 comes around, gets you no brownie points. (You probably had too much brownies already, anyway.)
The Prize
- If, by the Due Date, there is only one (1) Dieter who achieves The Goal, the losing Dieters will treat the successful Dieter to a one-day spa package at an establishment of the winner’s choosing. (Note: Happy endings are not included in the package.)
- If, by the Due Date, there are two (2) Dieters who achieve The Goal, the losing Dieter will treat both successful Dieters to a pedicure and a one-hour massage session at an establishment of each respective winner’s choosing. (Note: Again, happy endings are not included in the massage session. The sole loser may, however, console himself or herself to such a carnal indulgence.)
- If, by the Due Date, all three (3) Dieters–through some act of divine intervention, no doubt–achieve The Goal, we shall construe this as a propitious indication that there is hope for the salvation of mankind after all. And if, after a thorough inspection of the weighing scale used to determine the triumvirate’s success, it is verified to be neither rigged nor faulty, the achievement shall be celebrated with a communal, Dutch-treat dinner for 3 at The French Laundry in Yountville, CA.
- If, by the Due Date, none of the three (3) Dieters achieve The Goal, then dark and deprived days lie ahead for these obese and self-indulgent heavyweights. As punishment for their hedonistic tendencies, their inability to just say no to additional food portions, and, to put it simply, their utter lack of self control, they are mandated to abstain from the consumption of any baked desserts (e.g., cookies, cakes, pies) for the entire month of October 2011. The sweet taste of success does not belong to such pitiful souls.
With that said, Godspeed to you, fellow Dieters.
Sincerely yours,
Carlo
P.S. I had to forgo the succulent pork chops at work tonight. And they were free! Instead, this is my bland, unexciting dinner, and I blame and curse you two for this tragedy!
